Monday, June 10, 2002


Because the voice I am facing down, the voice I am trying to erase? My father's witty, bitter, nasty comments.

And I've never been able to come up with positive counters to the complex, mean things he used to say to me. Nothing as interesting, anyway.

When I was watching "A Beautiful Mind" recently, I have to say that what interested me---after, of course, the general wonderment of Russell Crowe---was the choice that John Nash made, apparently both in the film and in life--to simply live with his hallucinations. Not to fight them. Not to befriend them. Just to let Because they did serve a purpose in his life. I've been very lucky. I've never been that crazy, never that depressed, never that manic. But the voice that haunts me is the voice of my father, and as much as I try to keep him alive, he is fading. Except for that voice in my head. Which maybe I should just try to live with. And stop trying to counter with rainbow-colored, plinky-plinky positivity.


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