Thursday, July 11, 2002


Look, don't get me wrong. I'm movie crazy. I always will be. I used to help make them. Maybe I'll write one again some day.

But let me get this straight: Tom Hanks plays a hired killer, right? In "Road to Perdition?" Who has to go on the lam with his very young son when things go very very wrong within his "organization?"

So far, I've heard it described as "a coming of age" story not once, but twice. 'Kay. Got it. I suppose Dad initiates son in some way.

It's Sam Mendes directing, so it will be beautiful. It's Paul Newman playing a complex bad guy, so it will be artful. It's Tom Hanks playing against type, so there will be an Oscar nomination. And Jude Law, the most gorgeous man in Christendom, made up like a circus sideshow freak, so it will

Please, for a moment, imagine that all these roles are played by women. That, um, Michelle Pfeiffer is the hit lady, and, I don't know, the cute Coke girl is her daughter. Kathy Bates is the mob bossette. And Cameron Diaz is made up to look like...well, probably Lottie in "Being John Malkovich."

For fun, we'll make Jane Campion the director.

And just imagine that someone is trying to sell this to you as "a coming of age movie." A woman who kills lots of people and then goes on the lam with her daughter? Nope, don't think so. It sounds like a Roger Corman movie from the 60s. You know, like a Shelley Winters overacting thing. It's amazing how a shift in gender can make something classy.


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